Adjusting to Absense

coming back to a city with finished roads and new buildings is fun until you don't know where you are. being able to drive again is nice until you realize 65 mph feels like you're about to fly off the freeway. i am experiencing similar feelings as i get back to so many relationships that have kind of been on pause. things have changed. i have changed.

it has officially been a full week of being back in Vegas. the feelings that i carry with me on a daily basis are kind of indesribable. and the only word that always comes to mind does not at all do them justice. but alas . . weird is what I feel. i find myself just observing the things and people around me. like i am relearning how to interact with the familiar atmosphere around me. my adjustment process is much like the way i am handling jetlag: i try to engage as much as possible before my body just won't let me go on. i am realizing it is okay to zone out, existing is all that matters sometimes. God does not expect me to be super; that's His job. life is a process even here in lovely las vegas with so much that i love. yet it seems like i have been apart from it for so long.

the other day, in the throws of running around and visiting people before they holiday, i was thinking about what God has been doing while I have been gone. everyone i run into wants to hear stories from my life these past 6 months. but i want to hear theirs. as we exchange tales, i understand more and more something my father told me the night he picked me up from the airport. "you will never know how much your choice to go has impacted people." before i found it a bit absurd, but i may have just been sleep deprived. with each day that i am home, i am beginning to see what he was pointing out: the value that God has in calling us to 'Go.'

i know for myself, being away from home and friends and family left a gaping hole that had to be filled. there was a void and walking away from my natural habitat forced it to be filled with something other than what I readily had access to. i had to find something else and i had to learn how to get it. Jesus told the disciples before he ascended to heaven, "But in fact, it is best for you that I go away, because if I don't, the Advocate won't come. If I do go away then I will send him to you."-John16:7 The Advocate is the Holy Spirt, our Comforter, our Encourager, our Counselor, our Friend. He is meant to fill the void.

Jesus said he had to go, in order for Holy Spirit to come. So it makes sense that we on earth would experience this, too. Looking at my life and the ones of those I love, I can now see the value God had for the absense we endured. So much growth has ensued! Beyond the unexpected accolades of people expressing how my journey has inspired them (super weird btw). Beyond the tangible differences I can see in my character and my own personal walk with my God. Right now, what encourages me the most are those lives I left behind 6 months ago. Those family members and friends who offer up stories of the valleys they trekked through and how they reached the mountain on the other side. And how they came to be the thriving lights that I have the extreme priviledge of returning to this Christmas season.

i am not saying that i came back to a perfect world. not at all. but i am grateful to have come home to a place that i vaguely recognize, physically and spiritually. because God has evidently been hard at work in His garden (John 15). He has been tending to his branches and showing us all what it means to abide in His love. and how to watch  expectedly for the Advocate. we get to rest and reminisce, knowing that the manger has long been empty and God our Savior is a Man sitting on a heavenly throne. Yet, he is also ever with us. Emmanuel. God with us wherever we go.

Prioritizing the Presence

Sitting here at the hotel cafe in Siem Reap, seemingly "at the end to all things," a question lingers. One that has probably been there all along, but now more than ever is rising to the surface. It is flooding my awareness with its reality. It will no longer be silenced. No longer can it be contained by depths and leagues. So, I ponder it. I seek it out in response. And I wrestle with it. Struggling, flailing and failing at times. "What does it really mean to prioritize God's presence?" Outside of Battambang, soon outside of Cambodia, outside of this team and me.

These five days of debrief alone have shown me how easily it is to revert to our old self-looking out for what we want and pursuing our own comforts. We are only a few hours away from the place we called home and the people we invested our lives in and gave so much of our love. Yet, I find that the compassion with which we championed and immersed ourselves in now threatens to become stagnant. Sometimes, I feel that its power is growing faint. A cloud of judgment has crept over amidst the cat-calling of restless tuk-tuk drivers, bombardment of eager (even pushy) market-sellers and abundance of people begging on the bustling  streets. Slowly, but surely, its heaviness blotting out the sun. Concealing its rays to the point we forget the light we knew before. Going unnoticed in the whole process. Yes, it is a wonder how fast things can change.

Remember what life was like before? All those months. Remember what we said? The stirring in our guts. That reality is still available. It is still there. It has always been and always will be. All we have to do is ask ourselves a little question to return to the realm of our whole being. To again walk with clear vision and steady footing enlightened with the knowledge that God surrounds and pervades everything. To make it back to our original intention of continually being made whole.

Am I prioritizing God's presence? Am I bringing His kingdom as I said I would? Or dulling my senses with worldly musings, by trading wisdom for stone. Right here, right now, today . . .seriously WHAT ARE WE BRINGING? 

Miracles

May Your voice thunder in this place

Shake everything that is not of You

Crumble it

Reduce it to rubble

Leaving nothing behind

But the pillars of Your Word

Standing firm and strong

May thunder erupt from our lips

Shaking the lies of our enemy

Stripping back the distractions

That for so long have clouded their true identities 

Would darkness no longer hide them

May we call forth the dorment lights 

Showing them the way home

Welcoming them back to family

To Father's embrace

Bestowing on them their inheritance 

The shared birthright of the One who bore it all

Who took on pain and destruction 

So that not one would have to be lost

His offering was the last sacrifice 

May they be encountered by this covering 

So drawn

Their longing so met

That the thunder becomes visible

And standing firm before them

The Kingdom in Your eyes.

~BY VICTORIA HAWKINS~

"I want to do what you want to do"

i amazed that i had no clue that i would ever come to Cambodia and yet God intended me to meet these students, to become friends with a few of them, to know and fall in love with this place and these people. He destined it from the beginning. Yet, if I didn't say yes, none of this would be happening. He planned these moments, these relationships, to mean something and intricately impact the course of our lives. And we still have this choice, to see God's elaborately amazing dreams bear fruit in front of our eyes.

from a word about boldness (actually two). about freedom to expect that which I can admit I don't want to experience letdown in if I wholeheartedly believe it. Like salvations and healings coming out of my stepping out even further to cut to the heart of the relationships I have patiently and compassionately built. I have put in the work, the heart; I have gained the trust necessary to say the things I need to say to see the things I want to see and to fulfill the reason I am here. 4 more weeks. That's all i get. To keep it simple and consistent. Obedience, patience, peace. Trust God, fear Him alone.

It's time to tune my ear in a different way than I have before and open up my mouth. Power has to come out, because that's what He's put into me. Faith has to abound, because that's all I have left to sustain me. To be a blessing and be blessed, by believing that everything God's said to me is true. That if I continue saying 'yes' the world will follow.

He's Like a Lion

Sitting at City Cafe with my teammates and a couple of our students drinking iced coffee and lemon teas; I listened to Dalin speak about the king and his recent passing. The conversation reminded me of the numerous sentiments I had read grading my students homework assignments earlier that day....

Jesse and I had no idea what innocently asking our students to write about the Pchum Ben holiday would turn into when the king died that same week. I shared that with her since she knows many of our students at the youth center and we began discuss why the Cambodian people were so sad and united in their mourning. Our student, Chhuy, wrote about how "children, teenagers, adults, and even elderly people" cried out loud when they heard the news. I cannot imagine what that day must have sounded like, as my team and I were miles away in a village praying and interceding with orphans for Cambodia and its people. (It certainly gives me greater insight to those two fiery little boys who continued to lift up their voices after all the others had stopped.)

 Dalin explained that this king was very important, because of all the things he had done to help Cambodia. He helped build homes and hospitals, most notably he is responsible for helping Cambodia gain independence from France and Thailand. She mentioned how wise and intelligent the king was in world politics. He could speak 7 languages, and had a great relationship with China-which is where he was when he died.

Then just as we were about to leave to get back to the base for our classes, a video montage of the king's 9 decades of life and accomplishments began playing on the television on the cafe- which usually has some awkward khmer soap opera or music video that looks like you'd have to be on acid to actually consider it entertainment-. A black and white photograph of the king scrolled across the screen and we commented on how handsome he was. That's when Dalin told us the king was only 15 when he came into power.

 All of sudden it hit me, no wonder these people are so united. Every Khmer person I talked to about the Pchum Ben holiday (held over 15 days culminating on the final day with a celebratory offering to the monks at pagodas for people's dead ancestors) mentioned how grieved they were. I had students who would barely talk after class, walk up to me and share their heart. Of course, they were glad to have come together and took part in this annual ceremony that is ingrained in Buddhist culture, but they were very much a part of the atmosphere of honoring and mourning the king in their county. For a man who had lead them well over the course of 75 years. Coming from the United States of America, where a president's term can only last eight years at best, it is so foreign to think of how this man really meant to this people. John F. Kennedy is the only person I can attach any similar weight (there was a picture of the King at the JFK memorial). Yet, the king's death is not a sudden tragedy. He lived a full life. He loved much. And was loved much in return.

Word around Cambodia (and even on the news) is that one night the king's face could be seen in the half-moon. Dalin was telling me how she, too, looked up into the night's sky. She said she is unsure of what she saw. However, reports from her friends, newsmedia, and people in other countries leant their testimonies to seeing the king's face in the heavenlies that night. Which is now all on FB for all to see:)

Later that night we had team time, our leaders surprised us with a movie night at the 3D theatre for one of Matt Scap's last evenings with us. Somehow we narrowed the 50 movie choices down to Lion King. Disney movies are just as good, if not better, when you're older I think. Number one: I like being able to understand everything that is going and being said. Number two: my spirit is now mature enough to grasp the simple things that point to Jesus. My epiphany while watching this childhood classic happened during the scene where Mufasa is disciplining Simba, teaching him a lesson and imparts the knowledge that the stars represent the kings of old how as his father, he'll never leave him even if he's not always their. There's a lot in that small interaction. I think a lot of times as Christians we hear things that seem so contrary to the Gospel and God we follow, so we disregard it. But I challenge you to take that which offends you and examine it anyway.

When Simba is done running from what he doesn't understand and follows the crazy monkey down the winding path to water and gazes into the pool, he finally begins to see. At first, all he takes in is his own reflection. Only when he really looks deep does he recognize that what he's actually beholding is his father's relection. "He lives inside of you," Rafiki narrates this revelation not for Simba but for the audience. Mufasa's spirit bursting forth through those cumulus clouds is almost chilling for me to think about. I mean, James Earl Jones voice is epic, but it also resonates with the voice of God. "You have forgotten who you are and so you have forgotten me." Just before coming to DTS, Father spoke something very similar to me. He called out my own Hakuna Matata attitude of apathetic mediocrity. I was birthed for a greater purpose and just because I didn't know how to get there didn't mean I knew how to live a good life on my own. Thankfully God does not punish his children, like Mufasa, he is slow to anger and means to discipline us; to guide us to and through our destiny.

The giant spirit lion in the clouds speaking identity, hope, and kingdom to his son is not an animated character or a fairy tale. He is not a nice idea or a story for our children. He is real, he's alive, and he's mighty enough to save us from ourselves. As followers of Christ we sing this song, "My God is not dead, he's roaring like a lion" Really think about what that song is saying in this context. Think about Mufasa rescuing his naive son and his friend who ran off and deliberately disobeyed him, remember with what heroics he ended up sacrificing his life for Simba's, and how after all of that he came in the clouds to call him higher. All those other stars in the sky may have been great kings, but his son was to bringing forth the kingdom right now! And Timon and Pumba, Nala, and even crazy old Rafiki were right behind him once he remembered who he was.

I think it is such an encouraging picture of the Kingdom we are bringing. That we serve a God who waited for us and pursued us even when we didn't listen. We serve a King who laid down his life as a love offering. One who has given us his spirit and power and promised to return for us soon. My God is a Lion whose roar is more stirring than Mufasa's. And He's not dead, deaf, or mute to my cries or desires because every part of him lives in me; man made in Father's image. But I have to choose to gaze in the water. When I see his reflection and feel his spirit inside me it is then that I will be able to hear his voice and walk in his confident authority. The fruit of this is life and life to the fullest.

So, the king of Cambodia, Lion King of Pride Rock and King of Kings. What's impressed upon my heart tonight is Jesus you are worth it all Lord, every nation, every song. Amen.

The Impoverished Spirit: Part 2

                            (In God's Economy what is the difference between Rich and Poor?)



     The King of Cambodia died on Monday. Pastor Vanney announced this during the evening's worship and prayer time at the orphanage we'd decided to spend our week-long Pchum Bun holiday in. Together, our team of 10 (complete now that our school leader Matt Scaporatti has joined us for 20 days; Cambo is the first stop of his Pastoral rounds for the teams in Asia. his first visit to Cambodia 2 years ago for his DTS. His team visited the same orphange and there are pictures to prove it. Haha a fine looking young man he was back then.) and the majority of the 31 kids who live at the orphanage prayed for the country.

It was one of the most stirring moments I have ever witnessed or been a part of. These children offered their petitions to God with more ferver than grown men. Eyes clenched, hands raised, and swaying back 'n' forth as we simultaneously prayed in our own languages. When everyone else had quieted down, these two little boys were still going strong. Chert and Darinth, I believe it was, standing their side by side. They were in their own little world, one could easily envision them before Father's throne. These were evidently confident sons, mighty warriors of 9 or 10, like David they were unafraid. They went on for a few minutes more by themselves, til their voices waned and the silence spoke of Father's delight and satisfaction in the them. That was night one, we hadn't even been there six hours and these little orphans were reminding us what it means to be sons of the Almighty King.

In those short hours, they had already latched onto us as if we were their older brothers and sisters returning home. Pastor Vanny told us that they had been praying for us to come and were so glad that we had finally arrived. That we could see, because we had children crowd around us on every side the moment we got out of the van. They clung to us with absolute contentment and joy. They welcomed us with songs and dance, the younger kids and then the teenagers each did their own choreographed performance. Their vivid voices rose and filled the church in the center of their little campus.

Behind the church are the the boys and girls dorms, the volleyball court, the picnic tables -where the children eat-, the outdoor kitchen -where the sweet mamas cook-and another small covered building where we ate our meals. Continue on and there is more land for gardening and growing food complete with a fenced off pond (the last team set up a filtration system so that the kids no longer have to hike with their buckets to get water). We stayed at the pastor's house which is on the other side of the church, at the entrance of the orphanage with fun little flower gardens growing around it (and the lone cow that hangs out there, too). The outhouses, with the showers,toilets, and 'squatty potties,' are wisely hidden behind the dorms, haha.
The church and volleyball court is where we spent just about all day, each of the four days we were there with the kids. In the mornings after breakfast and team time, we were in charge of songs, a bible lesson, and games until lunch. After lunch, was naptime. Yep, that's right...naptime. For two whole hours, I hadn't taken a nap since I got to Cambodia. I think I only took a couple in Kona. Needless to say, I wasn't disappointed that is was scheduled in or as Awakeners would say,'optionally-mandatory' either. It was such a gift from Jesus to be told to rest that I didn't even care how toasty it was. Sleep is sleep.


After naptime, we had various work duties we were able to help out with from pulling weeds in the cacti garden that grow dragon fruit to dismantling trees wrapped in vines and separating them for firewood and building materials. Following that we would meet back up with the kids for two more hours of funtime. We played a lot of games: Four Corners, Red Rover, kickball-that one was a hit, once the kids figured out the rules they didn't want to play anything else the rest of the afternoon-, Simon Says, Duck-duck-Goose! and we even learned some Khmer games (one which involved two people blindfolded in a circle of people acting as the barriers as one tried to find and tag the other person; basically Marco Polo without the water.

We played these in the church which sometimes would be ventilated by to small fans or outside in the moist heat of the day. We sweated A LOT! We had A LOT of fun. And a LOT of love was constantly going around. The kids that sat out of the games would pick flowers and decorate the girls hair. Actually, they got the boys (Jesse) too. They would make these necklaces and bracelets by thinning the stems of small flowers with their teeth and connecting them.They would joke with us by tickling and poking us in our sides. They would bring us bugs or kindly put them on us. Which was petrifing, but cute at the same time; it brought them laughter.

The laughter and smiles were the best with the way the dark eyes would shine. Their little shoulders would bounce up and down as their whole bodies shook with sheer exuberance. I'm trying to explain it the best I can, but there is really nothing like the joy of children. It gives me a whole new insight into why Jesus references how protective he is of little children. Why he upholds their faith as something, we as adults, should try to attain.The joy of children is what made doing skits hilarious and exciting, because of their reactions to how abandoned we would get playing the characters in the story of Daniel and Jonah. It was their cunning and joy that caused me to be fascinated by the way they would tie strings to these colorful flying beetles and just walk around with them. Sweet joy so dripped  from their tiny yet full voices that it enraptured me every morning at 7AM. It became the soundtrack to my quiet time and it is something that I am surely going to miss.

Wednesday night (before we had to rip ourselves away back to Battambang in the afternoon), we shared our testimonies with them concluding a time of worshipping Jesus together. Scap lead us out and they knew the few English songs we sang that night. We each shared a few  minutes about ourselves and what God has taught us that we wanted them to hold onto.Then we got to pray for them all individually. As Scap played again, we each walked around laying hands on small shoulders, cradeled their heads in our hands and speaking out who they were to the Lord. We interceded for their futures and who they would grow up to be. We thanked the Lord for his sons and duahgters.Powerful and brave,courageous and creative. Leaders and world-changers. These children have prayed for things in their village and seen huge and immediate change. Like there used to be horrendous smelling pigs, loud animals, and gamblers around the orphange. The kids went out, prayed, and it all stopped. So, we weren't praying for kids who had small faith to believe. No we were praying for those who have seen and accomplished that which we have hoped for.

So, what could we possibly say to them that they didn't already know. "Abide in me," Jesus said in John 15, "Abide in my love." Sharing and giving generously to one another in community was more than enough. Our little holiday was all about one thing. The same thing this whole being in Cambodia thing is about. It's about God. We worship, serve and love the same God. Regardless of nationality or language, we are all made in his image. Children, adults, orphans or missionaries; we are all a part of the same family and we need each other. Love God and love your neighbor as yourself (our students at the Youth Center learned about Matthew 22 for a 'relevant topic day' a couple weeks ago actually). We got to experience that for a Pchum Bun. Playing with children sounds good but seems pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Yet, in God's Kingdom economy, it is more valuable than the things most of us choose to spend our lives on.  


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True Life: I Am a Teacher

After two full weeks of teaching I have realized something. I am a teacher. A real life teacher. How did that happen? I am pretty sure I remember weighing the options as a kid. "Hmmm, I could be school teacher like Mom or a doctor like Dad." For some reason, being a physician sounded a heck of lot easier. Don't get me wrong, I remember the year I went to the same elementary school that my mom taught in. Getting to sit in on her third grade class when my first grade class was at recess and hang out with the older kids. She thrived in that room, with those students, and they loved her. But I also saw the late nights, heard the drama with parents and students; witnessed multiple things stress her out. As much as I knew my mom loved her job and was great at it, I didn't think I could cut it. Instead I opted for a life of math, science, and anatomy but we all know that didn't happen either. (Or at least it hasn't just yet.) Somehow, three years of journalism now qualifies me to teach English at a grade school and a youth center that would be the equivalent to a community college. I honestly have no clue how I got here. I have been silently struggling to reconcile the fact that I never saw myself as a teacher or a speaker, but now I am doing both. I used to doubt that I was creative, yet without it lessons and students would fail. What is slightly harder for me to accept, is the fact that I am pretty good at all of this. I finally admitted to myself that I like being called, 'Teacher' whether my students are 5 years old or 25. Whether we're in class playing games all day or trudging through phrasal verbs, my job is awesome and I thoroughly enjoy it even on the hardest days.

This is my Grade 1 Bible class. They barely speak any English. Vatha, the teacher that assists, knows very little also. He knows enough to translate and when we don't know how to communicate with each other we figure it out. This is one of my first classes with them at Salaa Hope Christian School. Most of the kids who go there are not believers, but the school has a great reputation in the community and that's why parents send their kids there to get an education. I teach this class on Mondays and Thursdays for 45 min in the morning. On this day, we learned the Creation story from Genesis 1 and I came up with some memory moves to help the kids remember each day. After the lesson, they wanted to demonstrate for their classmates. A few students came up one by one and then I had this idea for 7 volunteers to reinact each day:) It was the cutest thing ever and they had a ton of fun.

The Sound of Battambang

The first 5 days in Battambong, Cambodia have been beautiful and amazing! The scenery is stunning, the weather is better than we thought, and the people are so kind and enthusiastic. The children are so outgoing and their faces are always full of smiles as they yell, "Hello! Hello!" This is our new home. At least for the next two and half months it is where our little family will work, play, and rest. And all because of the love of God! I don't think it gets much better than this.

Whether we bike around in the crazy traffic or give oral tests to young adults wanting to learn english or play games we have never heard of with orphans, we realize that God brought us here. He brought us here to do this. We were made exactly for the things we will be called to do. As we teach english classes every week day and work in different ministries-from cafes to street kids to at risk women- we must remember that He is the one who sent us. For me, there is this nervous excitement as our schedules start up soon. We are all going to different churches on Sundays, classes start this Monday, and some of us are committing to different ministries for the duration of our stay. I am not sure how everything will look, but I am eager to find out. I am ready to see what God is doing here and be a part of it. The Khmer people are young and hungry. It is said that to be Cambodian is to be Buddhist, but because of the Khmer Rouge most have no knowledge or understanding of the religion they claim. Oh, but Father wants relationship with them. He longs to love them like they have never been loved before. And I can't wait to witness His introducing them to real family, real light, and real life.

from the desk of

This is a little peak into my Disciple Training School journal from Week 7's speaker Matt Rawlins; processing his heart for The Fear of the Lord has really shifted my atmosphere...

Intrinsic Value: if you don't know what something or someone is worth you don't know how to treat it. Hello poverty, hello abortion, hello sex-trafficking, hello genocide. We obviously cannot understand what human life is worth without God's knowledge. He knows how much out bodies, minds, and souls cost. It cost him everything. Therefore, we are to honor ourselves and others with the same amount. But we can only do that by first giving ourselves to him. It's not possible without the strength of the Man who was pure enough to express how valuable the image we were created in is. This is why sin is essentially finding our value in anything else outside of God. Nothing can give us value or take it away. We must agree with what God has already spoken, live our lives like he is worthy and do whatever we want. So simple, yet there's still a struggle. Our souls don't have to be downcast though, because it's just the means and method of our growth. "Choosing life over death is a struggle," he said. Aligning our self with truth in a world full of lies isn't easy, but it's worth it.

The Impoverished Spirit- Part 1

Just a few thoughts as I'm reading James. A couple chapters in I realize, it hits on some reoccuring themes of the past week or so. Faith and poverty. I notice my perspective in these areas has shifted a lot. For months now money has been an issue. Being told I have to have $2500 by such-and-such date and not seeing anything come in. Having my bank account balance hover at $30 for 90 days. Then being faced with needing $4000 in a week or risk going home instead of Cambodia. All of that should probably cause me some fear and anxiety right? Yeah, a six months ago that mentality would have taken over. Yet, those deadlines came and went and I still need money.

God provided, for sure, and he still is. I did my part in keeping supporters informed and fundraising with my team (really just being obedient in whatever God has told me to do). Trusting him for my finances whether I was seeing them come in immediately or not. A lot of times support came from people I didn't expect it to come from and usually right after I bit the bullet and talked to someone I was nervous about talking to or did something I didn't feel like doing. (Which at times had nothing to do with support raising, but more on building character haha.) Sometimes I went into the finance office expecting to hear one thing and walked out wondering where $800 came from. One of my roommates asked me on deadline day why I never said anything about needing money. That she didn't know until my name was put on the board with 20 other names in need. I answered with, "It never came up." My other roommate followed up with asking what the procedure was the next day, if all the money didn't come in. God gave me grace enough to instinctively reply instead overthink, "The way I look at it is, that's above my paygrade." I explained that my job wasn't to worry about what I can't control, so I don't even go there. My job is to do everything in my power, guided by God's will and his is to show up after that. Which he has been doing and is continuing to even now. 

Since the 'deadline' I have seen over $3000 come in and even gained a monthly supporter as well. I received enough money that day to finally buy my ticket to Cambodia! Praise the Lord, I can check that off my list of things 'to do.' That afternoon, this guy who works on campus randomly came into my work duty to tell me that he and his family were praying for me. He also shared  a few things he felt the the Lord wanted him to emphasize and encourage me with. He said, "Don't give yourself a timeline." Basically, honor these deadlines the leaders are giving, but don't throw your emotions and faith into them because God will accomplish his will on his time. Sometimes he likes to wait until the last minute and it can really expose how much we do or don't rely on him. Really, what is $4000 to the God of the universe? (Reading Job gave me some insight into that.) Probably about the same as it would be to me if I was gazillionaire, right? The only one on the planet. I don't have to care about what is going to happen to me when that same God is the one who sent me here. My one-on-one Taren, has really helped me take hold of 1 Thessalonians 5:24: "The one who has called you is faithful and he will do it." Which reminds me of a quote my dad has always spurred me on with, "All you can do, is all you can do, and all you can do is enough." 

DTS and outreach and life in general, are not about me doing it. It's all about me doing it and God showing up. Sometimes he shows up in someone else's skin, by their hand holding mine. And sometimes he shows up in miraculously multiplied money that no man will ever be able to explain. Through it all and especially now with 13 days 'til Cambodia and $600 left to go, the arguments of fear and worry must subside. Let's face it I am not big enough, but that's okay because God always shows up.

P.S. And if you feel led to partner with me by sending support, call The University of the Nations finance office at 808-326-4461, donate ONLINE (email me at vjhawkin@gmail.com first for that information), or give via PayPal. But most of all, please continue to pray. Thanks!

Justice

  Nefarious: Merchant of Souls Official Trailer from Exodus Cry on Vimeo.


I am drowning. I don't know what else to say. . . My heart feels broken for what God has recently laid there. The spheres of home and outreach have come so much closer together in one afternoon that they are now intersecting and some things are becoming one.
WOMEN
CHILDREN
SEX TRAFFICKING
Las Vegas and Cambodia. God's pursuing these vulnerable sons and daughters with compassionate victory. He's calling them. He wants them home.
My eyes have been open like never before to this part of God's heart laid bare. It is difficult not to reside in the pain he feels over these men and women. These children. Brothers and sisters tearing each other apart.
BUT there is HOPE. Jesus is the only answer to injustice. His return is this world's only remedy. His love is big enough to heal. His power sufficient to make everything new and purify it all. As his children gladly fight for each one shrouded in darkness, from an island oceans away. Crying out with the authority given us, proclaiming truth and light. Walking out forgiveness and acceptance and breakthrough everyday with our lives. Determined to bring it to the nations. Whether it be the nation of Las Vegas or the nation of Phnom Penh. Father says our family is not complete until everyone is home.


"You may choose to look the other way but you can never again say you did not know."-William Wilberforce

Revelation & Repentance

Last Tuesday, I had a revelation. That's what you're supposed to call it right? And of all places, it happened in the prayer room during my school's 1-3pm set. Nothing super strange about that. Except, that it was the first time that I REALLY did not want to be there. I was seriously contemplating every two minutes just walking out. I wasn't feeling it. I knew I wasn't giving God my all. The previous four days had been spent walking around with irritated, watery eyes from infected contacts. Without glasses, my compacity to see and focus had become pretty painful waiting for my eyes to heal up on their own. Adding to my optical issues, the beautiful mild Hawaiian temperature decided to drop one night and take my immune system with it. So, I was in prayer room half-blind, snotty, with obstructed breathing and a righteous headache. Sounds dramatic right? I was. I was ready to take my irritated body, distracted mind, and offended spirit right out of that god saturated room.

Instead, worship ended and intercession started and I ended up with a piece of red tape over my mouth with the letters L-I-F-E on it. For 10 minutes. Asking Jesus what this Life Tape was all about. Yea I heard our leaders Kaylea and Dave, explain the movement and the significance of standing in silent prayer on behalf of the voiceless. But I didn't want to pray about abortion again (we did that briefly the week before). And I didn't know how Jesus was going to make it personal to me. 10 minutes of silent praying. Submission. It's not always fun, but it's necessary. "Jesus, I want you to download your heart to me for this... but how am I supposed to breathe with tape over my mouth!"Envision tape over a child's mouth. A mode of breathing is cut off. Yes, they can't speak, but they're still living,growing in a mother's womb. Now, envision blockages beginning to form and constrict their nasal passages, too. Those blockages are your apathy. Those blockages are your wrong-thinking.

I learned in a very real way, that as followers of Jesus, our definintion of what it means to fight for life has to change. When we fight with anything other than the weapon of God's reality, we are destined to fail. The reality of God is love. We are to war with love, not worldly reason or ungodly anger. And when we determine not to fight, our silence suffocates as well. However, our definition of life has to change first. For 'abortion' to cease being a concept with no true reality attached. For it to no longer be an alternate reality that we accept and endure. Abortion has to be a baby. Actually, it has to be more than a baby, because apparently that doesn't work. Abortion must go from a baby to a fully developed child. And for that child to  grow into an adult. It must become a shining star* that a 'choice' could willing rip from our universe. In fact, 50,000 of our bright lights are snuffed out every year. Our definition should see that number as a whole nation annually sinking into the depths of the sea. And that nation as ours.

That's what Jesus told me. In 10 minutes. And then he said, see you were breathing.



* "Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people. Hold firmly to the word of life, then, on the day of Christ's return, I will be proud that I did not run the race in vain and that my work was not useless."- Philippians 2:15-16

Ask Me Anything

I'm supposed to be finishing this book called "Is That Really You, God?" by Loren Cunningham, founder of YWAM. It's part of an assignment due Monday. I'm about halfway through. As interesting as it is, I find myself distracted. By this blog post. Because I realize I have been waiting almost a month to write it. That probably does not make any sense, but it will.

Thursday afternoon I finally made it to the second chapter which has this really cute, simple story about Loren as a boy in the 1940s. He loses his family's milk money on his way to the store. He confesses to his mother when he gets home and her response is for them to pray. "Come, son, let's pray. We'll ask God to show us where that money is." The story goes: God told her that the five dollars was in a bush, it was, and they were able to feed the family that week. It's a short simple tale, but it's true. I thought to myself, "Why don't I ask God where stuff is?" Why freak out and drive myself nuts trying to do things in my own power or by trusting man. He's all-knowing, if we can depend on anyone for anything (big or small), it's surely him.

Now, somewhere between getting on the plane in Maui and arriving here on base July 5th, I managed to misplace my passport (among other important things). Yes, the whole time I have been here, I have been without identification and the one thing -besides a couple grand haha- I need to get me to Cambodia. By God's grace, not having it has not been stressful. More like an exteneded teaching moment, in trust and timing. I know that he wouldn't bring me all the way here and let a passport hold me back. So, I made phone calls, I told my leaders and asked for prayer from people back home (more lessons in vulnerability), I searched my room and my work duty high and low (Transportation Manager gives me access to the campus vehicles and the locked Lost & Found). After that, I knew I just had to wait. I also knew I had to be grateful for where I was and trust that God was going to give me a passport-old or new.

"Lord you know where that five-dollar bill is hiding. Now we ask You to show us. Speak to our minds, please, for You know that we need that money to feed the family this week." What do I need? Why don't I just ask? Simple enough, right? So, I offered a 10 second petition to Father and then went back to reading. An hour later, I was waiting for a friend to show up for our dinner date when I got a call. I didn't recognize the number and let it go to voicemail. My heartbeat kind of stuttered when I heard the lady's voice say, "This is Hawaiian Airlines regarding your passport..." What sweet joy and relief it was to return Nichole's call and confirm that it was in Honolulu! It was even more fulfilling to know that not only was the wait over, but prayers were answered. I had people to rejoice with! Over something that in someways is so small, but still significant. God really cared enough to see my need and show up for me in his timing. He cares about what we care about. So why don't we just ask?

Oh-My-Africa

Somehow my first Sunday morning in Kona. Waste deep in the warm, turquoise waters of Hapuna Beach. I found myself talking about Africa with my wonderful friend, Taren. About how I had no desire to go there. "Don't say that," she jestfully warned me. Assuring me that a statement like that would surely get me what I didn't want. As many before had utter similar phrases and found themselves in places, even nations they dreaded in their heart. Looking back on that it really is quite funny.

That next week a video was played, revealing the AWAKEN DTS' Outreach Locations names. For some, it fanned flames on places that were already burning in their hearts. For others, it failed to light to the altars they'd built. Then there were those of us caught in between. And I refused to go any further than what I felt God was presently revealing. That has been my journey with this whole YWAM thing all along. Current and relevant information is all that I want. So, I didn't wonder about locations before that day. Unnecessary. When I needed to know I would know. Today was that day.I saw was the word Cambodia, almost in 3D, hovering in front of the screen. Which took me back to the ocean. To Taren laughing at my naivety. I thought with an nervous certainty, "That's Africa." Names of these countries continued to appear. No intense passion or fear arose for any of them. Yet, I needed two to write down. Then it was announced that we could leave our slips of paper blank and have the staff pray about where to place us. That gave me a sense of peace. These men and women have been praying since before we set foot in this place, clearly their prayers are effective because we are here.

Funny thing, I sat there questioning my heart and petitioning God on what else I should put down. I felt like Mozambique was highlighted. India too. As I walked over to the world map, to find Cambodia. I mysteriously got it in my head that it was in Africa. So when I couldn't find it and was kindly directed to Asia, it was sweet relief, amusement and confusion. I decided to put both Mozambique (which is actually in Africa haha ) and India in my second slot for the staff to prayerfully consider.

Throughout the next week we waited for teams to be situated and revealed. I realize now all the hints God gave me. Thursday Night Gathering, we sat on this giant map of the world and listened to the speaker and afterwards we walked around on it interceding for the nations. I started in Russia, but at the end I was standing in front of Cambodia. The only other person next to me praying was one of the staff, Sarah. I fervantly tried to stay focused. The next day, I was eating lunch and my new friend Jon (who is a friend of our school) told me he woke up that morning with a need to pray for Cambodia. A lecturer and a worship leader seperately mentioned it as well. I reasoned it was nothing, because Mozambique had come up once or twice as well.

The day of reveal, I woke up thinking, "It would be weird if Taren was my one-on-one" (we have mentoring sessions with one of our team leaders for the rest of school and on outreach). But then quickly chose to wonder what location she'd probably be going apart from me. Monday Mystery Fun Night arrives and we all gather to our classrom, antsy and excited. Our staff and leaders have been going nuts for a while, blaring music, dancing, and shouting in anticipation themselves. There are sheets hanging on the stage, but before we could see what they concealed we are sent away to different parts of the campus. Girls seperated from guys. We are handed white evelopes with other girls names on them that we have to deliver. I finally receive mine and pull out a red and blue flag with a white castle on it. Assuming it is Cambodia, I search for other girls with my flag. The four of us find each other and follow the instructions on the back of our flag to the tree house where we meet our two male teammates. Next, we get all decked out in the colors represented on our flags and head back to the classroom where one by one each location's team was announced. Haha! Then we had a hot, sweaty mess of a dance party!

L-R: Sarah, Me, Lotte, Margaret, Taren, Alexandra, Jesse, Matt P. & Matt S.

I wish I could accurately describe how it felt to let myself go there and be excited. To remember all the little ways God HAD been speaking to me. To paint the picture of hope I finally had. I wish you could have seen my face when our leaders for burst out from behind those hanging sheets with face paints and war cries! When I saw my friend and it dawned on me how good my God is. He gave me a good gift, beyond what I was willing to ask or imagine up until the moments just before. I was going to Cambodia. I was going with Taren. And Sarah (who kind of gave herself away by adding me on Facebook the night before). And Matt Scap (who I introduced on this blog). God works in mysterious ways. Wow. We are going to Cambodia!!!!

C'mon InFusion!

Today, in our Thursday afternoon 1-3pm prayer set, we commissioned out the InFusion students here on the base. These wild 12-18 year olds have completed their two week coursework and depart tomorrow. We got the priviledge of praying for them and sending them out. Interceding on their behalf, for the worlds back home they are about to enter. For their game-changing spirits to shift the atmospheres they invade. I am so stoked that I got to personally pray for a group of six beautiful young woman. Almost immediately upon hearing that our prayer set for Arts and Entertainment would be delayed a week to honor what God had been doing and was continuing to do in these kids, I saw a picture of an aspen filled mountain being set ablaze. Tthe spark that started it all represented those young people. The fire that has been ignited in their hearts. I felt like God was giving the inspiration of Matthew 21:21,

"Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done."

Their setting these fires (at home and in school, in youth groups and communities, wherever really) with their own flame is going to engulf mountains that are then to be hurled into the sea of God's liiving water. Their light is meant to infuse life.

Tonight in the Ohana Court Gathering (basically the whole base gathers for a time of worship, prayer, guest speakers) two of the students that hours before we were worshipping with and fighting for in prayer, shared testimonies of their experiences. I was struck by their conviction and confidence. Also, their joy and humility. This (seemingly) little boy uttered wisdom grown men have yet to grasp. Bold leadership certainly had been loosed in him. Who of us at 13 understood and walked in the authority Christ? It was extremely cool to hear their stories and see the truth burning strong within them.

There's something about our generation. Specifically, the youngest among us. Those before us and even we ourselves were so suceptable to the emotional highs of camps and conferences. Prone to believing in an inaccurate picture of Jesus just because that's all we were given. But these, they see right through that. They won't surrender or sacrifice for a false Jesus. But give them the real deal, show them how to encounter His supreme love . . .and everything will come undone within them.

So, world hold on to your seatbelt, because they're coming for you!

Check this!

Orchestras & Symphonies

If I had to highlight one thing from this past week, it would without a doubt be community. This is a beautiful place. But it is a strange place. With peculiar people. At  least I think that's how it would seem outside looking in. Being inside and breathing out though, I would say they are no different than the 84 other students that arrived here last Thursday for the AWAKEN DTS. We are all hungry. They are just further along.

Hunger for the things of God. Hunger to know him more. Hunger to give up our lives for him (whatever that looks like for each of us). It is evident that we are all united in that or else we would not be here. I definitely would not. We all know that there is something inside us that is in desperate need of him. And we're going for it. This group of 17-20somethings from all over the U.S., some from Germany, Denmark, Brazil, and New Zealand among other places. From all walks of life. From YWAM kids born into missionary families to  people who chose to live for Jesus only two months ago. None of us perfect, but acting out of some stage of 'sweet brokenness.'

There is absolutely no way that I can describe my time here, this experience, this opportunity to run after God  . . .without introducing you to the students and staff who are running with me. All relying on God's provision and the support of others as we seek to increase our faith and found our feet on the rock that is Christ. Tonight, I must offer up our fearless leader Mr. Matt Scaparotti. Or at least a few of his words and musings about "orchestras and symphonies" from Monday's class. It has been impressed upon me the last couple days that God really did choose us (choose me) for this time. He knew that 1988 was the year I needed to be born to encounter all the people and situations that would shape my life to get me to this point. The same is true for my roommates and my fellow students and the staff too. He knew he wanted us to be here together. And it is important to understand that it would matter if even just one of us was missing. If one of us gave up or the support didn't make it through or someone decided it was too hard and left. It would matter.

An orchestra is a group of performers playing various instruments. A symphony is an elaborate composition, a harmony of sounds. Now, the composer chose every sound, wrote out each intricacy, played it out in his mind. From the flute to cello to the oboe and violin. And more! Anywhere from 40-100 instruments! That is a vision of the body of Christ. Of AWAKEN 2012. "For the song to be played, we all need to play are part," Matt said. What God has placed in each of us is needed for the whole. Are we are willing to step into that? I think so. But we need God to show us who we are even more fully to recognize and play our instruments well. With confidence. With full assurance. With 100 percent trust in him. 

So yeah, we're hungry. We're here to encounter God. To learn how to display the specific parts of his image that reside in us. To bring them forth and walk them out. This is the community I have been sent to. To run with in this season. This is my heart. To tell their stories. To tell our stories, to play my part. To fulfill this sweet song of glory. Together.

Blogging is a strange thing. It seems at times unnatural, but it can be cool. That is what I have learned in the two years since I tried to do this thing. And a lot has happened in two years. Enough to cause me to find this thing and try again. But this time not for myself. Not to just do it. But instead to obey, trust, and give back. It's funny to see my search for life in the four posts before. And to be living the fulfillment of those now as a day old student at the University of the Nations YWAM-Kona. Even the title, "Learning to Breathe: it's about the passions that we ache for" is so indicative of my heart then and how it has grown up to this point right now. So, it would probably be appropriate to change that too. Later. Soon.

Today, I am just reveling in the fact that running full speed after God is what I get to do for the next six months of my life!!! I am grateful more and more for the people who helped me get here. All the ones, who like me, heard God's voice and answered his call. That is what YWAM (Youth with a Mission) is all about. A generation. Of people. For generations. Of people. That want to hear God's voice and do what he asks them to do. No matter what. I am eager to see how God will honor the support of all those who have prayed and are praying back home. How he will multiply the generosity that has been poured out on me to the givers he raised up for this season's AWAKEN DTS. And how he will continue to come through for me (especially with the first outreach payment of $2500 due in August). For you, too!

 I am honored to have been chosen to go and am overjoyed to have finally made it here. It is a good Friday to say the least. And it's not even over yet. So, welcome! Here we go!!