#amwriting

9-17-14//11:46pm

tonight i noticed someone (or multiple someones) decided to go into my posts from a couple years ago. so i, too, revisited my musings from a time not so long ago. and i found parts of my soul again. i noticed where God planted things in my heart for youth and women, arts and creativity, worship and teaching. where He marked me with the fear of the Lord, authenticity, vulnerability and prayer. where He knocked me over with His kindness and His love and challenged me with His character and His justice. these past few years have been quite revealing. i once was dead sleep, but now i am awake. and i find my eyes are still adjusting to the light as i learn to walk around. and engage all that surrounds me. thank God for grace. that He is so patient with me. with me coming to terms with who i am and thriving in my own skin. thank God for grace. for struggles and wins. i am glad to be able to look back and gaze upon who i have been, who i still am and who i am becoming. i know i must only see one piece to the intricate 1000 piece puzzle that is me. thank God my life is an adventure. and Jesus wants to be with me -through it all.

Take a Moment

"Take a moment to remember who God is and who I am 

There you go lifting my load again

No longer am I held by the yoke of this of world

Come up under the yoke of Jesus

His yoke is easy, His burden is so light"

- Will Reagan and United Pursuit

Spending time with my tribe in this season of deepening our relationships and enlarging our family has been one of Awakening. Not too surprising since that is one thing that I have chosen to carry. A part of me that I am passionate to walk out for the rest of my days.

God is giving me the eyes to see identity and the hunger to fight for it. My desire is for people to know God and to know who they are as a result of the overflow of the Love they feel. By being in His Presence. By seeking His Word. By encountering His character and being undone by His heart for them. 

Our circumstances and relationships are all meant to draw us into deeper relationship with Jesus. To give us a deeper understanding of the Father. As we fall in love with the Holy Spirit. It is all about Him. And our knowing, like really knowing, Him. It goes beyond knowledge, it's about being convinced in our hearts. He wants us to see Him, to touch Him, by our faith.

What will it take for us to trust? And let go of our wants, how we want them, when we want them? Trading them in for the wild unfolding of all that we presently lack the imagination to fathom.
Getting into God (who He is and how He loves), spending time with Him -and alongside a tribe that is doing the same- leads us into who we really are and what it is that we actually want.

We become who we were made to be and a beautiful life therein unfolds.

"Definitely an Adventure of a Lifetime!"

It seems like me and most people I know are still trying to figure out how to flesh out our passions and the vision for what we were made to do in this life. It's interesting. That so many people are in the same place of still figuring it out or just starting out even.

So, first off:
It is so easy to feel like we are alone in this.
But that is a lie.
Even when we feel lonely we are never alone (but that's another post for another time).
We are in this transition together.

We are really just feeling the tension of needing to rest when all we want is do.
Or needing to do when we have become so comfortable in the waiting room.
There is a balance to be achieved.
But we must start from a place of resting, for that is where vision ultimately overflows.
For some of us, it starts as a trickle and quickly hits waterfall status,
And for others it is a steady build.
In both cases it requires us to still our souls and return to our first Love.
To listen and learn,
And then go from there.

So, to all my friends with aching, unmet passions churning inside-
You are actually much closer than you think-
Don't be afraid to take a little more time,
Because there is no way you can miss it.
With eyes and heart set on the One who knows every hair on your head,
Remember He is capable and faithful to all that you are,
To all that you are becoming,
And will be in time.

Here is to the dreamers who will soon be introduced to the face of our dreams.

Joy Unspeakable

"These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full."

-John 15:11*

The elderly little black man sitting across from me on the bus this morning made my day. In his crimson polo, dark slacks, holding his matching briefcase and baseball cap. His demeanor was so content for those eleven stops or so. He left all too soon with the hour plus I had ahead of me. But sitting there, facing him, gave me such peace. His presence was felt. He looked like a father. And seasoned veteran. Hard-working and kind. I don't know his story, but much like his quiet humming he was simple yet impressionable. As he exited at his requested stop, he turned and offered such a genuine "Thank you" to the driver that I couldn't help but smile. And think...he gave me joy that he will probably never know of this side of heaven.

Only God knows how many of us are affected by unsuspecting people who are guilty of living their lives well. Living notably. Authentically. In a way that can speak to a stranger and touch a soul without any words.

I want to be that for someone else. And I want to experience this kind of thing everyday.

"The lives that have been the greatest blessing to you are the lives of those people who themselves were unaware of having been a blessing."- Oswald Chambers* 

*My Utmost for His Highest, August 31

Revelations of an Empty Tomb: The Advocate & the Gardener

i love the revelations of John. It has a Voice that has given me increased hope and perspective these past few weeks. As I have read chapters 19 & 20 over and over and over again.  

Jesus love for people is so evident. Above the miracles he did, his desire to be with people, to meet them where they were at and give them life, is what sticks with me the most. Even hanging on the Cross, i see him encouraging family and releasing freedom. Even there Love prevailed.

What a hope we have simply because we believe.

Chapter 20 is becoming one of my favorites, because all i see is God's grace. His tender-hearted patience in the midst of sorrow, fear and unbelief. What a gift he gave in allowing the men and women he loved, that loved him in return by following him while he was on the earth, to see him with their eyes once again. Mary didn't even recognize him at first,  thinking he was "the gardener" (which he is- for more heavy revelation of that one click here to hear Kat Hobin's  DTS teaching)  but that's okay because it takes us all the way back to Genesis and points to all Christ did to see-us- his family restored.

On that very same day, he walked through walls to surprise his closest disciples and friends. Then it zeros in on Thomas. i am convinced that Jesus didn't despise his situation.  That it was his joy to give Thomas what he needed to go on believing. Yes, the Scriptures say blessed are we who believe even while not seeing. But Jesus didn't love Thomas any less. And he wants us to see him, too! He wants us to want to touch him.

He came back a week later....for Thomas.

Verse 30-31 says, " The disciples saw Jesus do many miraculous signs in addition to the ones recorded in this book. But these are written that you may continue  to believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing in him you may have life by the power of his name." 

Yesterday, I was watching a podcast from Elevation Church called 'Peter & the Packing Peanuts.' In it, Pastor Steven Furtick talks about Peter denying Jesus after he was arrested and how the Accuser (Satan) with a voice in our minds is bent on telling us lies about our character meant to destroy us in our moments of weakness. While it is Jesus, who sent us the Advocate (the Holy Spirit) who speaks with a Voice that means to work with us and remind us that those lies "are not who you are?"

The Enemy wants to shame us in our weaknesses, but the Advocate defends us, "No, you don't deserve it, but I call you worthy." We don't, by merit, deserve God's love. We can't believe enough to earn it or  'do right' enough to win it. It's an irrevocable gift that he has already given. i love that. We are Worthy anyway!
God honors us even when we're not honorable.( i see that in Jesus interactions with Pilate and the Pharisees even. The authority given to him by God, Christ humbled himself and submitted to it.)

Then there is Thomas. Downcast. Probably afraid. And hurt, too. Jesus left him. A feeling i can sympathize with. The understanding of knowing that in death Jesus mission on earth was complete. It doesn't quite fill the void of missing his presence. Thomas must have lacked the hope necessary to believe. His Light had been snuffed out (in his mind at least)- the world he knew turned upside down. The promise he'd held onto seemingly unfulfilled. He couldn't see Jesus anymore. And words could not tell him differently.

So, Christ came back. To encounter Thomas. To restore his sight and help him regain his belief. Because Jesus is that good, he is that faithful, he is kind. He doesn't despise us in our weaknesses, but beckons us to touch and take hold of the strength in his love.

"Put your finger here, and look at my hands. Put your hand into the wound in my side. Don't be faithless any longer. Believe!" -John 20:27

God sees the foolish things we do and reminds us that that is not who we are.. That Jesus came to fulfill his promise to free us and make us whole; make us look like him. No matter how hopeless our situations seem, he doesn't forget us. And he will have his way. Thomas shouts in verse 28, pain and doubt no longer suffocating his heart, "My Lord and my God!"

Jesus goes on to explain that seeing is not necessary to believe. That multitudes to come would believe despite having never seen him (at least not the way the disciples did) and for that they were to be called blessed- before the majority of them were even born. We are called blessed. Yes! But after Jesus spoke to Thomas, he took time to be with his bros and allowed them to see even more than they could have asked or imagined.

i love the empty tomb stories.i love that John knows he is loved-so secure in who Jesus says he is. i love Mary's dedication-passionate and enduring. i love that Peter, despite his denials, still ran into the tomb. And i love Thomas' honest vulnerability.

A lot of times i think we fail to see that Thomas (in a sense) was rewarded for that. He got to touch the wounds of Christ and physically identify with them, because it was what he needed. And Christ abounding in compassion granted him that. In love, He pursued Thomas in his deepest pain and darkest state back to belief.

Steven Furtick said something similar of Peter. Jesus knew he would fail him way before Peter actually did.

 Luke 22:31-32, " Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift each of you like wheat. But I have pleaded in prayer for you, Simon, that your faith should not fail. So when you have repented and turned to me again, strengthen your brothers." 

God knows us better than we could ever know ourselves this side of heaven. And he loves us anyway. He gives us so much grace and his mercies are new every morning. Even when we mess up, when we do things that suck, he always sees our screw-ups in the same way he witnesses our victories and he doesn't freak out. He has already forgiven us before we can even think to repent. He is the very reason we have a way back.

What is wild is God comes to us first. He pursues our restoration. From the Garden to being mistaken as the Gardener, he does it all. All we have to do is say, 'Yes.' Like Thomas, "My Lord and my God." Like Mary, "Rabboni!" 

Lord, thank you that you never leave us to ourselves. You always come back for us. And you do us one even better, you continue to give us what we don't deserve. Thank you for the Advocate, who reminds us who and whose we are...yours. 

"And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate, who will never leave you. He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth....But when the Father sends the Advocate as my representative- that is, the Holy Spirit- he will teach you everything and will remind you of everything I have told you."-John 14:16-17a, 26

What is My Life?

April 1, 2014


When I wake in the morning my automatic default is this sentiment: "Father what is your will for me today? What would you have me do?" Resting in the ordinary of everyday is an adventure when we choose to view it through the eyes of Jesus. Every interaction becomes a gift, each struggle a promise of something more. 

The past month has been one of choosing contentment rather than complacency. Walking in the freedom God has granted me by continuing to dream with the rising of the sun, for what potential the present holds. Doesn't mean, I don't experience feeling like I am flailing on the inside. In those moments, I am most thankful for the Word of God. That I can anchor myself on Truth. On Jesus. Because of Him, I hope.

There is this line written on my heart, "Go, live a story worth telling." So, what am I penning with my life? This month, I turn 26 and I think...

most days i wonder what I am doing with my day
the openess
how i will fill it
how i can be pleasing to the Father
which is a lot more simpler than we all make it
God loves when his people love people
when they love themselves
and walk in who they are 
no matter where they are
not putting hindrances on how He wants to bring His kingdom
and when they will love Him
when i am not building relationships 
i must be throwing myself into His Word
because God is always preparing us 
and the next thing is going to be my best
but i must refuse to miss out on right now.

... I look around at my present circumstances, and I have hope for what is ahead of me still.

Broken Vessels & Communion Crackers: Part 1

Then Mary tool a twelve-ounce jar of expensive perfume made from essence of nard, and she anointed Jesus' feet with it, wiping his feet with her hair. The house was filled with the fragrance. - John  12:3

What if my following the light and honoring Jesus for who He was on this earth and who He continues to be by way of the Holy Spirit inside of me, is actually hinged on my viewing 'losing my life' the way Mary did. That nothing compares to Jesus. That in spite of fear and social stigmas, I can give him everything I have especially when it doesn't make the most sense.

Especially when it seems like I am too much of  a mess, because Jesus is drawn to my brokenness. He finds joy in my weakness (as sick as that sounds). What I can't do for myself brings Him glory, because His Spirit gets to move in and through and to me to bring about the impossible. Simply by my receiving the strength He offers and choosing to walk in it.

Because God loves broken people. So much so that  he uses them to tell other broken people about himself. He purposefully picks the cracked stones to build His house. He welcomes the mess. No matter how useless we think we are, reality says as long as we are centered around Jesus our foundation is strong.

Because truly broken people know they need Jesus. When I am like Mary, there is this unavoidable awareness of my sin. I  know that I know I am screwed up and  putting my face to the ground is a natural response- I am literally composed of dirt anyway.

 Because God used and continues to use broken people to advance his kingdom. A prostitute wasting expensive perfume on Jesus' feet is just one picture. There is something to knowing you're wretched and undeserving but still bringing it before his feet. Lavishing him with whatever love you have left because he did it first.

Jesus replied, " Leave her alone. She did this in preparation for my burial. You will always have the poor among you, but you will not always have me."- John 12:7-8

Look at the disciples. All messed up, jacked up, broken people.
Thomas.
Peter.
Philip.
Judas.
Yet, they all were loved. But what of their response to Love? What did they choose to do in light of their brokenness? What will I choose in this present reality?

Regardless of what is visible on the outside. Beside the things we think we know. Etched on our hearts is this undeniable truth:

"I am loved." 

If only we would listen, we could respond rightly. For in understanding this, like Mary, we are compelled by the reality that all else is for naught. And so we choose to come alive.

  

The Burning Bush of Covenant and Community

IT HAPPENED. Heaven came down. In a moment, it seemed, the atmosphere shifted. And the cool air of the Holy One entered in. He meant to meet with us in a way as never before in that place. Now, we were ready. Now, it was time.

Weeks of obedience. And failure. Months of endurance. And learning flexibility. Time and time being reminded and remembering, "It's all about Him."

The one night that "no one showed up," that we could rest in the Word and enjoy the fruit of faithful friends. That was the night that changed everything. Now, we'll never be the same.

You can't walk the same or talk the same or even think the same once you've tasted and seen the goodness of the Holy One. You can't go back after experiencing those shivers in your skin, that unexplainable wrenching of your gut, the fire that consumes your whole being. Why would you go back to lack once you've drank from the well of living water.

How could you not want to give everything in pursuit of Love?

Eyes have been opened and barriers torn down. The only structures left standing are the strongholds of the Lord. On a seemingly ordinary Thursday night, bible study as usual (John 13), I got to see my closest friends wrecked for the Kingdom. And by wrecked, I mean encountered. And by encountered, I just mean they got loved on. They got to see another facet of the face of Jesus and in doing so we have been drawn closer to our destinies.

Because when we know Jesus, when we sit at his feet, when we lay on his chest, when we let him touch us...wash us...we begin to know ourselves a little better, too. Who we were created to be because of Who he is. And how together we mirror His Presence by our love.

When we humble ourselves and let him be God, craziness happens.

Things we thought impossible.

Women start singing. Men prophesy. Children releasing the Spirit of their Father. How beautiful it is! Jesus says it's beautiful. He stands and he watches and he utters, "My Beloved" to ones whose response is unashamed.

This is the life we lead. Lives bowed low in service to one another. Lives given willingly in honor to our King. Because we glory in His glory. And we fight for His rule and reign. We sing for freedom.... declaring the  nonexistent as if it already is.

We do because He did first. There is no place we would rather be than in love with the Man, Jesus. Without Him there is nothing. Yet, in Him, unprecedented things.

And it's beautiful...Jesus says it is.

Suffering and Intimacy

Have you ever been hurt? Experienced physical pain and coursing blood? Have you ever had to have someone apply pressure to a gaping hole to stop the loss?

Have you ever gone through the process of what it takes for a wound to really heal? To have the restraint and trust enough to not to pick at the scab and expose what happened all over again? 

We all have scars. We all tend to want to remember them. But what happens when someone gives you a different side? What happens when after so long, new information is introduced? An eye witness comes forward and hits you with the truth that things were not as you thought they were all along. Everything you once were so sure of must meld to the new.

I guess that's how I feel about death. We think we know, until we get older and something we didn't know comes about and switches it all up. What we believe, how we feel, and why we resolve to walk out our lives a certain way as a result.

Things end. That's life. But that doesn't mean it's all over. I heard a story about how death is actually the beginning. I mean, it's not just a story, it's science really.

Bury a seed in the ground. Suffocate it. Pour water on the grave. And let the hot ass sun beat down on it. Next thing you know something is alive inside and growing. We call that something life.

Doesn't make sense, does it? I know. That's life. And as much as it can suck and hurt and punch the stuffing out of us, we love it. It's the painful things we experience that point us to the great joys. The end of one thing that allows us to have the start of the other.

And it's the struggle of giving up, of letting go...that yields to the deepest, richest, most amazing unknowns. The thing is, we must lose ourselves- our comforts and what we know- to find it.

We would do well to remember, in the hard times and the good times (because hard times are gonna come- that's a strange promise), a wise and enduring truth:

Conflict is what leads to intimacy. And that's how we overcome.

"Fire in Your Belly"

5 months. I have 5 months. To rest in what the Lord has said and what He is doing. To prepare by continuing to walk in who He has called me to be.

A friend asked me the other night if I have been calling things into being lately. Quite frankly, not as much as I should be. He challenged me on the spiritual growth that is happening in my home.

Because we both know that my being home is to walk in authority and stir that up in myself and those around me. As awkward as it feels sometimes, it is part of why I am here. For such a time as this.
Same with the bible study I go to. God has brought me back to this group for a reason. I know it because I didn’t want to go back. But Holy Spirit is stirring something up. I even felt it physically in my body last week.

Reading John 10. My stomach started radiating heat. A feeling I’ve only experienced with my ears and hands (a refining fire). Something I know is Holy Spirit working. Just before that I had been freezing. Then all of a sudden the only warm thing on my body was my belly. Like it was an oven heating up. I felt the fire in waves. And I knew it was something, I just didn’t know what. So I asked, but I was too distracted to hear. 

let it all burn away |© Taren Maroun

 After the bible study, I asked my friend and without missing a beat he explained that the Holy Spirit was trying to come against something in the group and he felt it too. He said what I felt was 'Holy Spirit fire' welling up and wanting to come out of me. He said he couldn't wait for me to start speaking it out. I told him I was scared. That’s when he called some other friends over to pray for boldness and courage to rise up in me. 

Stuff is building and there is going to be a breaking point. The spirit of religion in our group is being targeted with there being an even split of those who have grown up in the church and those who are just learning a biblical foundation. (Tonight I felt especially in understanding the difference between justification and sanctification is part of it; and understanding what it means to go from glory to glory as well).

By participating and engaging we can partner with the will of the Father and challenge it. Which means I have to speak, too. Holy Spirit is waiting on me. I know that I hear things God is saying. But sometimes I let fear of inadequacy and judgment cause me to second guess and say nothing. 

When I look back on it. I noticed a lot that I could have said. The more I discussed the night with my friend the more things clicked. Even just going back to the subject at hand in John 10: 

The first paragraph is speaking about sheep and a shepherd. Something that in context of the people it was written to was common and normal. These days, that is not the case.

I cannot say that at first glance I understand the nuances that Jesus was trying to communicate through a picture people of that day could relate to. The only sheep I see are packaged in the grocery story. And I can’t readily think of anyone who knows a shepherd. So, we have to first talk about what this picture meant to these people and then reconcile what is should mean to us in present-day for one. 
Next thing is Jesus is stressing the importance of Him being the shepherd versus hired hands and thieves. “What voice are we listening to?” 

"After he has gathered his own flock, he walks ahead of them, and they follow him because they know his voice. The won’t follow a stranger; they will run from him because they don’t know his voice." Those who heard Jesus use this illustration didn’t understand what he meant, so he explained it to them: " I tell you the truth, I am the gate for the sheep. All who came before me were thieves and robbers. But the true sheep did not listen to them."- John 10: 4-8

Am I listening to my Shepherd’s voice?

And if I am not, then who’s voice am I listening to? 

There are two alternatives: Satan’s or my own (man’s).

"The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life. "- John 10:11

I know the voice of the Enemy. Scary thought: he is not a stranger to me. Therefore, when I hear his voice my natural instinct isn’t to run. And there is a possibility that I will listen.

So, as much as I need to tune my ear to voice of Holy Spirit; I also want to distance myself from my enemy. I don’t desire to know him, because he means to steal from and kill and destroy me. No part of him is worth my time.

The bible teaches that once I was a slave to sin and my father was the ruler of the kingdom of the air- the Enemy. When we walk in sin, we listen to Satan’s voice. Once we submit to the saving grace of the knowledge of Jesus Christ, however, we are free. Free to forget the voice of deceit and live under the authority of One who speaks life, abundantly.

"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one can snatch them away from me, for my Father has given them to me, and he is more powerful than anyone else. No one can snatch them from the Father’s hand."- John 10:27-29

John 10 also speaks to the authority that Jesus is given in life and over death. That same authority is given to us as children of God and co-heirs with Christ. My friend reminded me that we have the power and responsibility to speak things into existence.

 I have had opportunities in the past, but chose to be blind to a degree. [Forgive me Lord, help me to be obedient. To trust the fire you have placed in me.] I may not have known what to speak or how to present it exactly, but I felt fire. I like fire. I am familiar with it. And now I know what this kind means.

The prayers of my friends that night confirmed that God is doing a new work in me. One that will bring freedom . One that I was made for. One that I can’t afford to run from or hide.

I am called to great things (and it seems the next 5 years is my time to get busy). I hear and listen to the Lord’s voice. Whatever happens is His will. There is no need for me to be weary or afraid. I can walk confidently in who He says I am, because of who He says He is.

The Word says that many followed Him after what He said in John 10. They listened. And they went. May I do the same with every single day of my life.

I am grateful that God has given me like-minded souls who know the status quo won’t do. It’s onward and upward. Glory to glory! That’s the life we were destined for and it’s worth fighting for. Not the memories of before, but the hope that lies in our dreams.

I am blessed to have had my eyes opened over the past couple years of traveling the world and doing missions. Now, I am getting even more opportunity to live the life I have yearned for. I don’t need to know all the details, but I know God’s got me. What I need and desire is to walk accordingly.

Reflections: Two of Two

Barcelona, Spain                                                                                                        November 22, 2013

Jehovah Witnesses & Justice  

     Over coffee, i cried. over a discussion about what happens when loved ones died, i learned of one that i barely knew. and i was moved by a life that was lived knowing he was loved beyond the world and finally got to walk into arms wide open. Arms he'd probably only dreamed of before, are now an unimaginable reality. "Justice is alive!"... more alive than he could have ever been on this earth. Right now. He is in a Kingdom unbound by time. Emmersed is pure beauty. Illuminated by the Creator of the universe.